You are bruised and bewildered, yet again. You are tempted to give her a kibud av v’em [respecting your parents] lecture but that never leads anywhere.You wish someone would tell you what to do. Let’s try.She is saying (and not very nicely perhaps) “I am my own person and I am separate from you. I have my own preferences and my own mind. If I want to sit outside I’ll decide that for myself and I don’t want you to decide for me.” Separating from parents, becoming one’s own person and consolidating one’s “selfness” is the developmental task of middle and late adolescence. She is exasperated because being her own person is a relatively new experience and her autonomy it is still very fragile. When someone “tells her what to do” she feels threatened which leads to not always being as gracious and poised as we would like to be.(Please note: this explains her bad behavior but it certainly does not excuse it. You would be advised to rebuke her for any display of disrespect, but perhaps at a more favorable time).
Separating and evolving into a more developed self is a lifetime task.The first time that we separate from our mother is at birth. The infant is no longer part of her and as his physical and mental development proceeds so does the drive towards autonomy. The two opposing needs that all of us have – to be independent and to be connected to others - is a complex, fascinating and sometimes agonizing counterpoint that is forever part of our relationships. The psychological literature discusses the ongoing development of separation and sense of self from the time of infancy.
By two, a child two has learned the word, “No.” The terrible twos are not terrible for the toddler, but it may be difficult for the parents. He is trying to tie his shoe. He cannot do this yet. You go over to help him. “Do it self!” he demands. He is getting more and more frustrated. You are getting more and more tense, because you know what is coming next. Trying to help will only make things worse, and then it happens. The scream of rage and then the tantrum.
Your 18 year old son is going back to yeshiva. His friend has the use of a van and comes by to pick him up. He starts tying his luggage to the roof rack. “You know,” you say, “I don’t think that is going to hold. Wouldn’t it be better in the back?”He is being patient. “No, Abba, there’s no room in the back.” You walk to the back and take a peek. There could be room if things were arranged with a bit more care. “Well, it seems to me that it could fit, with a bit of arranging. I really don’t think that that rope can hold such a large suitcase.”“Abba, it’s fine. I’ll call you when we get to yeshiva.”You say goodbye and hope for the best.Two hours later you get the phone call. “Uh, Abba? We’re at yeshiva. Uh, on the highway this guy next to us started pointing to the roof of the car. When we pulled over we saw that the suitcase was falling off, so I went to get it. As soon as I stood up to untie it the whole thing came down…”
Perhaps the best we can do as parents is to give our advice when we can, hope that it will sometimes prevail against adolescent judgment, and daven.
After all, when he was two he wouldn’t even have heard you.
Chana Mark is a noted psychotherapist in private practice in Suffern, NY. She urges community members to seek help as soon as a problem arises, before it becomes a crisis. Mrs. Mark can be reached at 845-369-3416 or
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Children begin to live their own separate lives as soon as they leave the womb.