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Parental Perspective On Struggling Teenagers

There Is A Reason S/He Had To Be There!

By: Debbie Brown
Wednesday, January 10, 2007

There Is A Reason S/He Had To Be There!

People sometimes live through an experience, which may not make sense at the time, may not be to their liking or may be uncomfortable and/or painful. That experience, though, might be serving a very specialized purpose – not for the present that is. The learning outcome might, in fact, be a tool or a piece of knowledge the individual requires which will help him/her manage or cope with certain future challenges.

In line with that idea, I recall an article I read some years back in the Lesson in

emunah column of The Jewish Press. It was about a “miracle” that had taken place in a chareidi neighborhood of Yerushalayim, with a chareidi gentleman as the hero.

As the story went, while looking out from his porch, the man caught a glimpse of a davar chashud (in Israel, this usually refers to a suspicious object of an explosive nature) in one of the trash dumps across his building complex. By the time the bomb squad arrived, the man had already disarmed the bomb.

One might ask: “Where would a chareidi have gained such skills?” Ironically, his proficiency could be traced to a period 25 years prior to this incident. At that time, although his chareidi friends were exempt from army service, he was not. And it was during his service that he was assigned to a demolition division where he gained expertise in disarming bombs. Yes, there is a reason he had to be there; in order that countless lives could be saved 25 years later.

Similar in nature to the above story, my friend related a recent experience revolving around her new business venture of home rentals. Although the majority of her client-base is within the Orthodox community, from time to time, she will engage clients from other societies and cultures.

That results in setting up appointments in low-income, high-crime neighborhoods. So here’s the picture: we have a nice looking woman walking about in unfamiliar and unsafe territory. Yet, as she indicated, she is not at all nervous about going to such areas. And the reason goes back to her youth.

About 25 years earlier, her family was one of the last to remain in a neighborhood after most of the Jews had left. Needless to say, she was unhappy about her friends leaving and was concerned about the safety of the neighborhood.

However, she did learn to live without fear; it was business as usual for her siblings and herself. Reflecting on her present lack of fear, she credits her coping skills to the attitude she developed in her youth. That there is a reason s/he had to be there, once again, is the underlying message in the above story.

It is also a concept illustrated in Parshas Shemos (Exodus 2:10), where we are introduced to the greatest person in our history, Moshe Rabbeinu.

Consider the following question: Moshe was to become the greatest leader, who would speak to

HaShem face to face. Why, then, would Hashem arrange that he be reared in, of all places, an Egyptian palace inundated with idol worship and immorality?

Meam Loez answers this question by providing us with three facts:

1. In preparation for his eventual position, Moshe would require to learn about leadership first, by acquiring appropriate qualities and training.

2. As a result of his palace experiences, Moshe would know how to lead a large nation. He also would have future entry into the palace and would be familiar with the etiquette of royalty.

3. Having been raised in Pharaoh’s royal household, Moshe would not be awed or overwhelmed by speaking to the Egyptian monarch at a later point.

Meam Loez now brings in an emotional piece – the parts that are played by Moshe’s sister Miriam and his mother Yocheved.

Yocheved understands that in order to save Moshe, she would have to place him in the Nile River, trusting in Hashem that He would take care of her son.

So here’s the reality. Yocheved is a mother who is about to send her child off into unknown territory. True, she has inside information about her son’s future leadership role as foretold to her by her prophetess daughter, Miriam. But that’s something very far in the future (over 60 years later).

And true, she also will be nursing Moshe for the next two years. Undoubtedly, this will help them bond physically, emotionally and spiritually – and then what? Does she have any additional knowledge about the immediate future?

For the next few moments, let’s imagine Yocheved as a typical mother with typical instinctive concerns, who is pondering her son’s future. What type of worries would be foremost on her mind? After all, this is Egypt, a decadent society; perhaps the outside influences will be too overpowering.

Will Moshe remember his identity? Will he remain loyal to his heritage? Will his future take him to other foreign, alien and degenerate cultures? In his later years, will he carry with him the mores and values of his birthright?

Yes, Yocheved is a great person, and she is still a mother – a loving mother. So the question is, “Do some of these thoughts actually run through her mind? And if so, does the prospect of these thoughts evoke pain within her being?” While you contemplate this open-ended question, I will share with you a related thought and a perspective on motherhood.

As the wife of Amram, a leader of the times, Yocheved’s actions can be looked upon as a guiding lesson to all mothers. On a more profound level, I also believe there is a lesson that bears a powerful message for mothers who are pained by the lifestyle choices of their non-observant children in conflict, whether living at home or elsewhere.

The year is 2007… A mother observes her child’s lack of observance and is anxiety-ridden, worried and pained. Since she knows there is nothing she can do about her child’s choices, the same questions keep popping into her mind: Where and what will he be eating? With whom will she be socializing? Will he be further influenced by the outside cultures? Will she return to her previous lifestyle? Nothing can stop the pain, however.

Yocheved demonstrates an approach that can help channel the pain into a positive venue. This doesn’t mean it is easy; perhaps it wasn’t easy for Yocheved either.

As a loving and concerned mother, it would seem that Yocheved’s immediate focus is to provide for Moshe’s physical safety and comfort while he is still at her side. To that end (based on Meam Loez’s description) she builds a carefully crafted basket that is sturdy, comfortable and pleasing, which will carry him through his perilous journey. She then sees to a suitable location for its placement on the Nile.

Her next step is to await Miriam’s prophecy about Moshe’s fate. And then, as Meam Loez cites, she places her trust in Hashem. In essence, Yocheved fulfills the role of a nurturing mother, and the bond continues for the next two years while she nurses her son. In all probability, though, the link does not end there.

A bond is an emotional link that can either be enhanced or diminished by communication. Communication, therefore, is a powerful factor that impacts the parent-child long-term relationship. And applying effective communication can potentially help maintain a strong connection.

Take note: as a key player in the relationship, this tool requires patience to learn and to practice. The dividend, though, is compelling, for the outcome can hopefully trigger an emotional tie that accompanies a child through life’s challenges.

Debbie Brown is a certified professional life coach specializing in parent coaching. She is available for private, confidential phone coaching sessions. For an appointment or to express feelings regarding the Parental Perspective topic you may contact Debbie at: This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

http://www.jewishpress.com

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